cereal milk

my animal code built me selfish
don’t share warmth or meat or drink!
but my brain renewed, and I felt it
thinking thoughts I would never think
since that year I made a new baby
and my baby wired her new mom.

now she asks for a bite of my pasta 
and I feed her before I eat.
I delight in her smile as she chews on
that lunch I put on my plate.
 
I offer her spoons of my ice cream
and it’s honestly better that way
to see her smile, to see her delight
at the ginger caramel treat.

The sweet milk left after cereal
She totters up, points at the drink
So I hold the bowl to her lips and
She drinks and drinks and drinks. 

What has she wrought? It’s magic – 
warming and funny and wild.
I’m grateful that I want to share
my cereal milk with my child.

[Featured Image: breakfast, from Wikipedia, public domain]

portrait of a businesswoman as a twelve-year-old boy

By midlife, I have become a world expert
I have a resume so impressive it would still be impressive if it were split in two.
But amateur men still feel the need to explain to me, 
badly,
topics that I literally published original research on during my PhD.
Topics that they clearly don’t understand
based on the incoherence of their “explanations.”
I daydream often about being able to transform my appearance
to that of a 6’3’’ heavily-muscled White Man
and transform my voice into something low and intimidating
something suitable for God in an animated film.
Then I realize that transforming myself into a scrawny, disfigured man would be enough.
Or honestly, even a 12-year-old boy whose voice hadn’t broken yet – 
he would garner more respect,
because he has the POTENTIAL to be a man.
If I could be a 12-year-old boy on my conference calls
imagine how much less shit I’d have to deal with.

I hope this makes you angry.
It makes me angry.

[Featured Image by McGill Library on Unsplash]

heaven

always seeking
always racing
inking, writing questions, chasing
sisterhood with sheiks and shoals
the crash of untamed ocean rolls 
in some highwater heaven.

always yearning
always thirsty
blanking, drafting, blaming, painting
futures where the sky is green
eraser crumbs strewn through the scene
in my refashioned heaven.

always tasting
always yearning
butter golden sunlight churning
over flesh that's bare and shameless
tiger's smile that splays no tameness
in some hot summer heaven.

always reaching
always rowing
tossing turning rising growing
blisters on my palms and soles
climbing towards the fauns and souls
in some imagined heaven.

[Featured Image: klecksographie, public domain]

today

sand disturbed an ocean away
on a beach I shall never revisit
but the beach remembers my daughter's play
although we cannot relive it.

three coral fragments, two pink, one red
lost and found in a driftwood forest
but the sea remembers the day we left 
with salt on our skin and our whole lives before us.

because I walked once there, the sand stream has shifted
if I’d never lived, that sand would be different.
because I once stood there, the wind’s waves were parted
if I’d never been, the air would’ve drifted.
because I once smiled, laughed, joy blossomed within him
if I were not born, would you’ve smiled there instead?

we think of legacy, monument, history
names carved in gravestones
printed on pages
we think of the empires, rising and falling
emperors ruling
losing and lusting
we wonder if we’ll be remembered like they are
forgetting all of the emperors forgotten
the intrigue erased, the powerful vanquished
by decades or centuries, by minutes or seconds.

who is remembered by people, by places?
our atoms recycled, our atoms eternal.
who is remembered, in features, in faces?
unnatural selection, victorious and feral.

four million years since “we” walked upright
eight million years hence, will we know who rules?
what fragments of genes, yours or mine, will be trusted?
will Stonehenge remain? the pyramids? crown jewels?
certainly not that tower in Pisa
when will it fall? will the tragedy leave us?
will the Buddha be mentioned? the Christ-child Jesus? 
will the Mona Lisa hang in high honor? old Venus? Greek friezes? 
or if not: 
on what day were they archived, destroyed, or bereaved us?

the Earth will contain all our traces forever
magnesium from Plato and Genghis and Leo
carbon from Einstein, exhaled when he finished 
his theory which later will be old as Nero.

they say only god knows the hairs on my head
or the hairs in the drain, or the iron I bled
the cups, knives, and tumblers I’ll put in the landfills
(gone after centuries,
but still at risk daily
of becoming my longest material impression).

we make trash out of plastic and books out of paper
but shouldn’t it be the other way round?
what should we make all our books of? stone tablets? 
even that is unsure if the stone is unfound.
clay tablets from fewer than five thousand years off
contain the most ancient of stories not lost.

the body’s dissolved, but its influence lives on
the mind is dissolved, but its insights live on
walk the church yard entombing five thousand from wars
swim the sea, the grave of unnumbered once known
gaze at space, where few ashes soar for the stars.

I am overwhelmed by soft fingerprints on
the crust of the Earth. the heat death of the earth, 
the heat death of the universe.
but we are still here, living this way.
what of the morrow? they say
everything is now:
today.

[Featured Image: reconstruction of Ishtar gate, public domain]

summer storm

The dog has to go out. A summer storm threatens. I slip on sneakers, slip off shoe covers. The dog has to go out! We trample the grass. The leash is loose in my left hand, the blue nylon smooth from overuse. My dog searches through sniffing. I see without seeing, mostly, except for a few flashes: the startle of a feather, black and white under the bush; the nail-polish gleam of my neighbor’s car; the dark cyclops eye in the center of the sunflower. On the way back, the wind sieves leaves, a thief brandishing her weapon before the taking. Tomorrow there will be branches all over the lawn. I imagine myself, months in the future past, toting a loaded sled up the slope through fresh snow. The dog goes in. I shut the storm door.

[Featured Image: sunflower by Matthias Oberholzer, free to use]

brokeup wakeup

grunge
languid hunger
foul language
human anger.
languor lingers
liquor levels
dog eared books through the dog days of summer.

misspelled tattoos
my love misused
I can erase the miss's name
but I can't misplace the blame.

summer leaves, autumn falls
stack up magazines
cease musing what dreams mean.
haircut
wash up

glamor,
concert clamor.
fresh vantage and 
new man humor.
lingerie launders
snake eyes twice, melting ice
kindred spirits ignite in winter.

[Featured Image: library, by Clay Banks, free photo]

the water doesn’t flow

the water doesn't flow past the dam
it's stagnant and slow
clumped mud in the reeds
the truck doesn't go at the light
the engine croaks out, sputters, dies
the asphalt hardens too slowly
the paint dries up a century too late
the grass stopped growing yesterday
the sphere doesn't break under its own weight
the moon falls to earth, the tides go still
the lock is rusted to the gate
the pen scratches dry on the receipt
the cat has no kittens
our night lacks sleep

clouds glued to the sky,
stables empty,
sand clogging the hourglass.
mouth caught in a lie,
the child pharaoh mummified.

our moth is suspended in flame
no burning, no luring
powder on its wings preserved
no flickers of orange
no juice in its organs
dry - still - dry.
dust on its false eyes stipples

we wait in silence for the ripples.

[Featured Image: moth, public domain, by Mikkel Frimer-Rasmussen]

blues

the waves crash white-tipped on the shore
birthed from tealmilk crests
powdered turquoise mixed with pearl
where the sunlight rests.

the ocean deepens: metal green
by the horizon’s line.
above, blue-purple storm clouds rise
like incense smoked from wine.

the clouds obscure but half the sky
the rest is naked day
I sit on yellow sand and wait
for rain to turn us grey.

[Featured Image: wave, public domain]

i have to write something

I have to write something
The way ink runs off the porch, sprayed from the hose
When I wash green algae away with black night.
I have to write something
The way the bird must flit away at the slam of a door
But always return to her nest
With a twig or a worm.
I have to write something
The way the headache presses behind my eyes
And sleep drags at my chin
And the foam sticks too hot at night against my back.
I have to write something
The way the bones in my ankles pop
When I fidget, restless, on the couch in yellow light
Nobody else awake, my fingers drunk on words.
I have to write something
For all the universes I will never know
For all of the people I could have been
All of the people I am, through time and space
The same soul clinging to itself in a thousand different forms
A worm, a bird, a magical waitress,
A sorcerer, a scientist, the one who discovers the portal between worlds
Only to find herself the same everywhere
although the endless reflections in the green mirror
are nothing alike.
I have to write something
I have to read something
I have to read everything
Nothing more devastating than a library
Balustrades, gold on the book spines, a millennium of human thought
Capsules, caterpillars in cocoons, 
Words on the eyes on the wings of the butterflies
Flying away
I know I could never read it all
Not in one lifetime
Not in all the lifetimes of my soul
It’s not right
And so I have to write.

[Featured Image: quill and ink, Creative Commons license]

when you leave medicine

when you are in medicine,
medicine is the world.
when you leave medicine,
the world becomes the world.
and the world feels vast
and you feel small
but you feel like you can take it all.

[Featured Image from Wikipedia, Creative Commons license]