do you believe in inspiration

do you believe in inspiration?
does it make you an adult not to?
you open your can of mac and cheese or beans
the fridge is yellow,
you've left all your dreams
out like teeth for a tooth fairy
you've never believed.

he said I have to choose
that if I want to be the boss in the suit,
the writer with fingers on the keys,
the mother of two or three,
and the scientist musing on truth --
he said I'll fail.

he said I have to be one, but not the other
that if I fragment like a fallen chandelier
that's all I'll be, useless,
good for nothing, an artless artist.

I wanted the line
of the original.
its flavor, its pattern
melted ice cream splashed on a napkin
an experiment in childhood.
the graffiti of poetry
by a hermit in the wildwood.

I've let so much go
I've whittled down my cares.
does that make me an adult?

they lie and they tell you that you can't have everything
and then they lie and tell you that you can.

am I jealous and selfish,
overzealous and elvish
for captioning my dissatisfactioning?
my toes dig deep in white sand of the south
I relish my tongue alone in my mouth.
out here I'm a sole syllable.
I drink the water of an individual.
yet all the while I miss my crew.
Alone and I want company,
surrounded and I want solitude.

do you believe in inspiration?
I am sick with the worst sickness there is
all I want is words for years
and I want the words to come easy,
slick spitting down a marine slope
hydroplaning on spare sails.
but if I can't have the words faster
I need more years.
so that's what the tooth fairy should put under my pillow --
not money but time,
not a dime but a spare life.

[Featured Image by Kevin Martin Jose; free to use or share]

Diamond Head

weird, decrepit infrastructure inside the crater's edge
an old military installation
wrought iron gates bar access to dark concrete tunnels filled with dust
an old red sweatshirt puddles on the ground -
forgotten for a weekend,
forgotten for a decade.
the spiral staircase inside the blasted stone can take you down, but not up.
the upward path is blocked by rotten plywood and rust that lets you know this metal thinks even the slightest waif is too heavy.

at a branch point, one tunnel leads into the bright light of hell
but it too is blocked off, to prevent us from seeking the grey arms of demons who promise endless stories

from the peak, in a crowd of strangers,
we see mansions with helipads and private beaches just down
the hill from a blue tarp a homeless person has made into a home
the more we look the more tents we see
one for each of the mansions at least.
do all the homeless people know each other as neighbors?
do the mansion owners know each other as neighbors?
do the mansion owners know the homeless people?

near the tents,
an abandoned velodrome features graffiti so large and colorful
it surely is visible on Google maps.

the ocean taunts painters with its thousand shades of blue
and beckons those who don't know how to sail, laughing, singing, saying - it's not too hard to learn this song
even though trying to learn that song sent countless unnamed wanderers to endless sleep in the deepwater bed.

hazy other islands fade against the horizon
so soft, so far from the sharp houses creeping up the volcanic ridges.
developers blast that sharpness to make way for places for people to make lives and make love and make darkness from the sun with curtains,
curtains instead of blasted tunnels inside the volcanic stone
a washed red sweatshirt hanging in a laundry lounge
instead of a mudstained red sweatshirt on the ground.
(I want to pick it up, but I'm afraid
touching it could infect me,
could awaken ghosts,
could resurrect the dead.)

I sweat through my clothes
and wish I could've seen this place in another time
flying overhead as a bird
thousands of years before human conquest.

I wonder which gleaming skyscrapers of glass and steel
that I've touched in my fancy clicking shoes, that I've brushed in my angular suit,
which of those will become weird, decrepit infrastructure?
will it have to be from the apocalypse
or merely the passage of time?

someday I'll look in the mirror
and my eyecorners will be as wrinkled as the raw ridged mountainsides
then I must come back to Diamond Head
and climb the 99 stairs, counting each one
in an exhalation that is also a prayer
when the words spill out, I will think a god of surfing, pouring out more surfers onto the waves, each one drawing her own calligraphy.

I hide from the sun under fancy mud - sunscreen - and a hat
a creature of shade who thirsts for sun
surrounded by voices, but listening to the one inside
and the one in the wind
the one who speaks to all who come
the one who speaks through time
with rustles in the grass.